An interesting thing happened almost exactly a year ago, that due to a specific event which occurred today, has led me to make this post.
Last December, I had just returned from my trip to Europe and was trying to discover in which direction my life was taking me. During this time I was working for a Technical College and had confided in a manager from another department about thoughts for my future. For me, the manager wasn't by any chance randomly chosen. Over that last year he'd become a truly good friend, someone who at the time, I would have considered a very dear and close friend. At work we were often inseparable, if you'd found one of us, the other wasn't too far away. One after another, coworkers would ask if we were brothers....we were good friends.
Over the few months that had led up to December, I had told him about some of the struggles I was dealing with in my personal life and told him that I was considering leaving the company to pursue work on my own. I told him that I hadn't quite decided what I was going to do, but anticipated making some kind of decision after receiving that year's Christmas Bonus, which leaving without, would have been pure stupidity.
Time passed and I waited, still unsure of what I was going to do. Come December, I was doing side projects with a partner of mine and the joint venture was becoming very lucrative. My friend and confidant at work had taken leave to be with his wife as she prepared to have their first child. I continued work as normal. Bonus Day was approaching and I was very excited and a little nervous because I had told myself I needed to make a decision.
Bonus Day came and my manager approaches my cubicle and hands me the envelope containing the $1500.00 bonus check I had waited all year to receive. Upon handing me the envelop she asked if I had an envelope for her. I was a little confused, though in the back of my mind knew someone had told her that I was going to give her my notice. Looking dumbfounded, I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. With a smirk she'd turn, shaking her head, she walked away.
I was furious! Someone had gone behind my back, broke my trust, and told MY manager that I was going to abandon my job. As much as I didn't want to believe that my friend had turned on me I had to. It wasn't possible for my manager to know without him telling her. I felt crushed, totally betrayed. Even more disturbing was that he wasn't there to confront, to ask why, to figure out why our friendship hadn't meant enough for him to keep our conversations confidential. I beat myself up over this for days.
Finally he returned back to work. I thought it was odd because I expected him to come over and say something, anything, even "Hey I'm back from leave, the baby is doing awesome!". Nothing. So, with the day more than half over, I approached him at his desk. I simply asked him "Would you have any idea how (My Boss) would have found out that I was going to give notice after receiving my Bonus?" to which he immediately and nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I told her". Man, I was on fire. I wanted to knock him out on the spot. I leered in to his eyes for a moment and realizing that I was not likely to be able to control my anger, walked away.
Only days before I had been assigned a new manager, a guy who was just hired from the outside, and who coincidentally was best friends with the guy who had just betrayed me. After finding out for certain that I had been betrayed by my friend, I printed my notice, giving my company ONE MONTH to find a replacement, and handed it to my new boss. I told him that I knew he had known what was going on all along and that I was taking the rest of the day off because I had just found out that I had been screwed over. He said okay. I gathered my things and went home.
That night, remembering I had some work to do to address promises I made to the guys I supported, I tried to log in to the servers at work. I found that I had been locked out of the system. At this point I knew it was all down hill. The next day before work I made repeated attempts to call the director of our department and my manager to discuss what had happened and to try and determine why I would have been locked out of the system. Nobody called me back. Finally, an hour after I was supposed to be in, I was able to get my manager on the phone. He told me that I needed to come in and bring anything of the companies I had at home. I did as he asked. Arriving at work, I found my electronic key card did not work as well. Clearly, I was being pushed out. I understood, a lot of companies will allow their employees to leave after they've given their notice as not to allow conflict of interests or sabotage to occur.
Upon being let back to my desk I was greeted by my manager holding an empty cardboard box. He asked me to gather all of my things and prepare to be escorted out of the building. I did as I was asked and left, escorted all the way to my car. This experience had really tore me up inside. Again, I understand being allowed or asked to leave upon giving your resignation, but I had just felt like I was fired. Felt, no I had been TREATED like I was fired. Insane I thought.
On the drive home my blood was boiling. I was seeing it all together in my mind and couldn't understand why what had just happened had happened. Why had my friend betrayed me. Why was I the villain. It is the last question that would play on my mind over the last year. I often find myself questioning what I did, what I didn't do, what caused my friend to turn his back on me. Was I a bad friend? A bad person? Did I do something bad to him? Over and over this has played in my mind and has made me feel like garbage. Although each time these thoughts have entered my mind I've been calmed by the knowledge that it had all happened for a reason. I understand I wouldn't be where I'm at today, a year later, still self employed, working only 10 hours a week, painting, writing, and all around loving life.
The incident that has brought all this back to the forefront of my mind is that for some reason, almost exactly a year after saying "Yea, I told her", the guy that betrayed my trust, has come to my blog and made two comments on two separate blog entries. Of which, both comments containing no real significance other than merely saying "I'm here"; and for what I ask? For what reason does he feel that he should come over and let me know he's here? With all the questions I've had for him, that will be the last.
