I've made myself so busy lately that I've really given up a huge part of my life that I really felt was of great importance. That which is missing is my motivation to explore the truth and write about it. Wonko and I have spent countless hours questioning life’s imponderables and have come up with our own crazy and sometimes foolish positions on a great many issues. I really enjoyed expanding my ideals and seeking a greater truth. This truth isn't relevant to only religion, in fact most of the time it has little or nothing to do with religion at all. Our discussions were/are more focused on ones life in our current society and time. Through these discussions I had been inspired to write and commit to my blog and make it a priority. However, I've filled my life with excuses for not being able to do these things. More or less, my brain has been shut off from learning or bettering itself and I find myself caught in an infinite loop of uninterest. I haven't had the desire to question or to want to understand anything other than myself. This particular problem isn't something that's new to me. I've had a problem with this for sometime. So often I feel that I'm just not doing enough and I take on more and more until the things I began doing have become replaced. I continue this until finally everything I've committed to doing is abandoned. From the outside it appears that my interests have changed rapidly. However, in my opinion, this is not the case. It's not that I grow tired of doing something or want to move on, rather, it's my need to take on more than I can handle which one by one and step by step follows me, eliminating the projects I’ve already started. It's easy to abandon something when it stands in the way of something else. It's easy to re-prioritize when you're priorities have changed to not include things which were in fact priorities only moments before.
Wonko is staying with me for a few weeks and over the last couple nights we've really had a chance to start talking. I'm so burdened with projects and responsibilities now, that wanting to take another on is merely around the corner. I feel myself being drawn back into to blogging and engaging in hours of in-depth conversations with Wonko. I'm ready again to attach meaning and priority to do so. Although, as repetition is repetitious, what must I give up to do so? I'm not sure the answer to that. I continue to take more and more on. Not only am I working on a video project, have I committed to another. I've also committed to rollerblading with my brother daily, committed to working out at the gym everyday. This goes on and on, and all the while I am required to work a day job, responsible for being a husband, and necessary to take time to socialize.
I have so many excuses why I can't do the things I should be doing. I have to learn how to say no. No to myself as well as to those who request from me the time I don't have. I must take the time to realize that I can't write, I can't think, I can't film, I can't, I can't, I can't if I don't bring something to completion. In my opinion, writing and learning have no completion and should become staples of my being. I'll need help and direction in those areas. But I will try. I will search for No, more.
