Yea I know I missed yesterday's blog entry. Don't worry though I've grounded myself for a week because of it. Actually, I wasn't able to get on the computer last night because my wife and I started out on a discussion about our relationship that lasted for about 3 hours or so. By the end of our conversation I needed some serious sleep.
It was a good conversation.....Basically, my wife and I discussed something I have been dealing with for a while now; my life’s "Mission". When I say life's mission, I'm not referring to the meaning of life or the purpose of my life on this earth....rather, I'm talking about where I'm supposed/meant to be. That is to say, I have this burning passion inside of me and it's trying to get out. The problem is that I don't know what the heck it is.
The other night I had met my wife at the bookstore to sit down and talk to her about this (which was pretty much the first time I had brought it to her attention). I had told her that I wasn't sure where I was going....and that I wasn't sure if it was consistent with where she wanted to be. I wasn't saying that I wanted to leave or that I wanted a divorce, rather I was saying that I wanted to make sure that we were not stunting the growth of either one of us and gave her a kind of "Heads up" on what I had been thinking of for a while. A couple days went by (and this is where we cue to last night) and I could tell that there was something on her mind. I was a little weary about asking her because I feared arguing. In the 10 years my wife and I have been together we haven't had very many rational conversations (though after last night, this has changed). I asked her anyway and found out that the conversation we had a few days before was really bothering her. She was saddened by the thought that I would leave her for the pursuit of my passion. I tried for hours to explain that it wasn't as cut and dry as that and that the way she interpreted what I had said was not in fact what I meant. I was trying to explain to her how powerful this "Mission" felt to me and that I felt it was so strong that I didn't want to affect the rest of her life and cause her unhappiness because of it. I could not get her to understand exactly what I meant because as I said, I don't know the meaning of, or even what the "Mission" is.
I think the mission has something to do with traveling and seeing the world. The traveling I'm talking about isn't like vacation traveling though; it's more like being dependent on my surroundings. I tried to explain to her that this feeling goes back as long as I remember. From my childhood, when I looked up in to the midnight stars and realized that the world was ever reaching. From then till now, I've wanted to be a part of it, I wanted to share in it, and I wanted to see as much of it in a real and non-superficial sense as I could. It's some sort of primal urge to move across the great expanses of our earth with only the things I know now, and the pursuit of what things I could learn. It's a pursuit of knowledge that to me requires a first had account. Our world is made up of the beauty that the earth provides as well as that which people provide. It's this I want to see and understand with my own eyes and hands.
As I said the discussion went well and I think the future holds a time and a place for me to make this possible. I need to pin down exactly what this mission is and begin planning for its execution. As I learn more about it I believe it will become less vague to me as well as anyone out there reading this.