Wow, It's been quite a long time since I last wrote. I guess I've just been unsure of what to write. I think about doing it all the time but then I reason my self out of having a reason to write. I'm kinda in a strange place right now. In a place where I'm not sure who or what I want to be. Not who or what I want to be in the working sense but rather who or what I want to be in the worldly sense. It's very difficult not knowing where I want to go with this because that means I don't know the steps necessary to make that change. I say change because after some deep self analysis I've realized that I've become a somebody that is much different from the somebody I used to be. The somebody I used to be was more free spirited. I wasn't bothered by much of the troubles which the world delivers us. Now I find myself content with the solitude of my own thoughts and actions, wanting little or nothing to do with the outside world. I still handle the troubles and situations of the world in the same way, though my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes are different. They differ in the way that they seem to actually affect me, where as before I could deal with them in a more optimistic way. I try to rationalize my new way as being more realalistic rather than overly optimistic. It might have something to do with being nieve to the world before. Now having experienced the peaks and valleys I find myself anticipating the depths of the deepest of those valleys. Its almost as if I anticipate failure now instead of success. I'm not saying I'm scared to fail, rather I'm tired of working so hard to only achieve failure instead of success. This affects my attitude greatly in that it makes me a more negative person. The negativity of my person is not external though, it's internal. The people around me would still consider me overly optimistic, though inside I find myself putting on a charade. A charade that's just as much for myself as it is for others. This wasn't the old self. The old self was genuine.......That's where the old self lacks.....In its genuineness. It's genuineness for life and moving forward. I feel as if I've been at a stand still for a long time. Wanting to get back to the old self but not knowing how to move in that direction. I'd like to blame in on the Army. Maybe it was in one of those 400 shots they gave me. I know it's not that. I've just gone uncorrected for so long. I've wandered so far off the path of my ideal self that I would have needed a bread truck to drop crumbs for me to find my way back.
I'm lost and I need to look around and pick a direction to go. I need to pick a direction which will hopefully lead me back. Right or Wrong, it doesn't matter as long as I move. If I continue to stand still I'll only move further away.
I promise to right more as I get closer.